Tide is Turning

I figured since you're probably all hearing things through the grapevine, I thought I'd give my two cents since it's about me anyways.
Since I've move to Texas I have come to a lot of realizations. About myself, about our family, about my friends, about everything. Before I moved here, I was sad, and I didn't know why. Sure, there were little conflicts here and there that didn't help, but I couldn't pin point one specific reason for why I felt such extreme sadness. I had a anchoring in my heart that I was supposed to move here. Now again, I wasn't completely sure why I felt such a strong urge to come here, but now I am here, in Texas, and I've figured out why.
Now before I get to that, I need to take a moment.
I think a lot. About everything. It's something I love to do. Probably too much sometimes. Lately I've been thinking about our family.
I need to take a moment and focus on this family. Every single person. Every single person in this family is someone special. Is someone who is talented, beautiful, genuine, and unique.I mean that. Now I can say that from a very un-biassed point of view, because to be honest, I hardly know any of you that well, and hardly any of you know the real Jessica that well. And this is something I am completely okay with, because the point is that in a family, that doesn't matter. We lift every one up. We push everyone towards their hopes and dreams. All we want to is to love them, and be loved by them. Our family is the epitome of that. It doesn't matter where you come from, or where you wanna go. It doesn't matter who you are, or who you aren't. We just love. With all of our hearts.
Being here these past two months there are many things I have discovered about each and every individual in this family I never noticed before. It was such an incredible and eye opening experience.

-Grandma- You are the most beautiful woman in the world. Your passion for your heavenly father is something so extremely intimate, and passionate. You are so full of energy when it comes to your brilliant project ideas, or lessons on various scriptures, or even something as simple as a new leopard printed sheet you bought for 30 cents a thrift shop. Your passion for life is something I thrive off of. You're so happy, and so fulfilled. You're just a beam of sunshine. I love every quirk, every container of that red lipstick, and every single scripture you read to me. I love you, and everything you are.
-Donny- I was always your Pugus. I love your determination to begin and finish any task. I love how much you care for your wife and your children. You love them so much, and that is something that brings warmth to my heart. I didn't have the best dad in the world growing up, and seeing you hug and kiss those adorable children you've created, gives me hope in this world. You're the best daddy, and I envy you kids for it. They are so blessed to have such a wonderful man in their lives. I love you Donny, and I'll always be your Pugus.
-Tamra- you have always been the same Tamra I have loved my whole life. You have the most loving heart out of anyone I have ever met. Every word that comes out of your mouth is full of compassion, and genuine care. You feel for people, and you don't just say things for the sake of saying them. I can see in you that loving is what makes you happiest. It's so comforting to know I have you to go to, and to know that I can laugh, or cry with you, and you'll be right there the whole time. Your spirit is special, and you make me feel so happy when I am around you and your family. Tamra, I just love you, and I can't thank you enough for our talks we've had, and I am confident in saying they aren't going to end here. You're wonderful.
-Kami- Where do I even start? You are one of my biggest role models in my life. I look up to you in countless ways. You have helped me on my journey to feeling secure in myself. It's because of you I am okay with being weird, and awkward. It's because of you I am okay with being Jessica. My whole life I have doubted myself, and my mom would always tell me not to, but I think it was you who I was waiting to hear it from. I think you're my guardian angel, Kami. You're one of my best friends. I am going to miss you so much. You and I. We're kindred spirits. We're the same. In almost every respect. I want to be just like you when I get older. You've always been there for me, and you know the real Jessica. I don't open up to people, or trust people ever, but I trust you. I love you with all of my heart. I just feel we've always had a special bond. I don't think that will ever go away. I've always been your Jessica, and you've always been my fav aunt Kami. I feel like your more of my mom than an Aunt..I've always felt that way.
-Travis- First of all, you are one of the greatest guys I have ever met. I am so thankful to be able to call you my Uncle. You're ability to make light of any situation is something I don't understand how you do. You never talk behind people's backs, you never complain, you always find the good in everyone, and everything. You are going to be one incredible missionary. I believe that with every last ounce of confidence I have. Thank you for always loving me, and giving me a chance. I'm weird. And you're okay with it. Whoever you marry one day, better be dadgum close to perfect because I'm pretty sure you are as close to perfect as they come. :) I love you.
-Ashna- SHNON! Our life stories...man, are they similar. Talking with you is like talking with an older sister. You listen to every word that comes out of my mouth. I can't get over how beautiful you are inside, and out. Your personality is so inviting. You always make me feel welcome, and so at ease. I'm so thankful you understand sarcasm too, because I think I may use it a little too often, and I know you do too. :) You're so talented, and you're such a great mom to Addy, and soon to be Layla. I just wish she would have come a little bit sooner, so I could have seen her big beautiful lips, and eyes in person. I have no doubt in my mind you will be an incredible mother to two little cutes. I love you, Ashna...
-Patrice- A mother to six good, funny, and sweet children. You are so generous, and loving. I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me, and my mom. You and Daniel are what I aspire to have when I get married. You love each other an incredible amount. I can't even fathom it. Since I've seen what true love looks like, I will never settle for something less. And you, a mother to six, and you're still sane? That is something else I aspire to maintain once I have children; my sanity! :) You are a patient, nurturing, and loving mama, and your kids are so lucky to have you. I only hope one day I can be half the mom you are. I love you, and your entire family so much.
I couldn't believe how lucky I was , out of all people, to be placed in the best family in the world. Everyone was so willing to take me in, and love me like their own daughter. I thought, wow, this is different. I wasn't used to that from anyone but my own mama. Then I realized, our whole family treats every single person in this family the same way. We're all so lucky!
Now on to my mom.
-Mama- You are my life. You are my strength, my sanity, my other half. Without you I am so lost. More than any person in this in entire world, you are the one I love most. You are the one I look up to, and you are the one I need in my life. You're my mama. You are the most incredible mother I have ever met. You raised me to be the person I am today. I am strong, I am confident, I know who I am because of you, and your wisdom, and your guidance. You taught me to speak, to walk, to eat, to sing, to accept all, to be Jessica, to give, to be a leader, to love. It's because of you I will be a good mother. It's because of you I will be a faithful and loving wife. It's because of you I am myself. I am Jay.. I am the most thankful woman in the world to have been lucky enough to be created by such a determined, and outstanding mother. I love you mama, with every fiber of my being. It's important to grow up. But no one can argue that you never grow out of your mom. I never will, mama, and I will always be close to you. You're my best friend, my teacher, my mama.
I now know the reason I am here in Texas is to realize where "home" is for me. My whole life I've never known what answer to give when I was asked the question, "Where are you from?" How could I when the longest I'd ever lived somewhere was 2-3 years? Even though I was unsure of what to say, I'd always reply, "I'm from Texas." Because to me, it was where all of my family grew up, my mom, my grandma, my great grandma, etc. So it was the closest thing to a home I'd ever known. Then I moved to Wisconsin. I lived there for eight years, and not once did I think of it as home, because to me, wherever we lived had an expiration date, so I'd never get my hopes up of staying anywhere. It'd always end, and we'd always have to start over. Then when the idea of me staying for college, and possibly forever came around, I went numb. I felt trapped. I felt like that was it. But wasn't that what I wanted? A permanent place to stay? In a way, I guess I was afraid of committing to one place. All along my mama kept saying "Jessica, this is your home. This is where you belong. I'm here, your family is here." and for some reason I just didn't listen. Now here's the hard part. My mom was right. I now know with all of my heart that Wisconsin is my home. Texas is wonderful, and our family is more than wonderful. But Texas without my mom, my brother, my sister? It's nothing. I feel empty, and I hate to admit that, and give my mom the right to say, "I told you so" but, she did tell me. I need my mom. You can never grow out of your mom. I just keep thinking: Every day I'm not there, is one day less in this life that I'll be able to be with my mama. To be with my Jenna. My Justin. They are my home, I am at peace with knowing where I belong now. I'm comforted by the thought that I have a place I truly believe is home. I don't regret in any way coming here, because not only do I appreciate my family and friends back in Wisconsin on a completely new level, but I appreciate our family here, in Texas. I apologize for coming here, thinking it was where I was supposed to be, and then finding out it isn't. I wish I would have listened to my mom when she said "We're your home" but then again, I don't wish that because if I wouldn't have come here, I would have had a constant voice in my head saying "what if." I don't do well "what if" situations. I had to find this out for myself, and unfortunately it had to be the hard way. But I don't regret a second of it.
You can be angry, confused, sad, annoyed, frustrated, and you don't even have to believe me, because what I'm saying right now is from my heart, and I can't continue to lie to my heart. I tried, and it wasn't working. This isn't home sickness. This is something I know. Of course I miss it there. But I'm used to missing things, because my whole life I had to leave things behind that I loved. This time it's different. There are people there I can't survive without. There are people here I love more than anything, but they haven't been there my entire life. I have to go back. I have to go home. I love you all so much, and I cannot thank you enough for welcoming me into YOUR homes, and making it so comfortable for me. I hope you understand. Imagine your child leaving, and then realizing she/he needs you, and you need her/him.
Life is all about making decisions and figuring everything out. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it hard, sometimes it doesn't make sense to anyone but the person holding the decision in their had. This may be that situation, and if it is I'm okay with that. Because ultimately I have to do what is in the cards for me, and what is best for me is to go home. Wisconsin.
I love you all.